Failure...

Today, and a lot of days lately, I feel a lot like a failure. Dave tells me that I'm not, which is nice of him, but it's kinda required because he's my husband. I don't feel like I'm fulfilling my duties as a wife, or as a sister or a daughter. Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing a lot and getting everything done and accomplishing a lot, but other times, I feel like a complete and total failure.

I dropped all my classes this semester... I was going to fail them if I didn't, but now I can't help but question myself. Why didn't I try harder toward the beginning of the semester? They weren't even hard classes. I was taking a pretty light load even, but I either really would have been a failure, or just felt like one because of dropping them. It's not just because I dropped them either. My sister dropped out of college, and I don't want to disappoint my parents that way. I am going to go back and take classes next semester, but until then, I feel like I'll disappoint my parents the same way my sister did if they know. I know I'll eventually have to tell them, I just keep putting it off.

Also, my house is a disaster- there will be pictures of before and after up on our couples blog later tonight or tomorrow. Dave doesn't think it's my job to keep it clean because I work full time, but I have always wanted to just grow up get married and be a mom. That's not going to happen soon (the mom part) but in my eyes, being married meant that I was in charge of cleaning the house and cooking dinner and doing the laundry- not because that's what society wants, but because that's how special I want my husband to feel. I don't want him to have to worry about the house being clean or the dishes getting done or the kids getting dinner. In my house growing up, my mom was almost always just a stay at home mom. We spent time cooking dinner and cleaning the house and when dad was home, it was mostly just spend time with dad or as a family rather than focusing on the house. I want my future kids to have that same opportunity to get to know their dad, and I want my husband to be able to get to know his kids because we won't always be busy doing something else. Eventually, it is my goal to be able to have dinner ready when Dave gets home and the house clean all the time- as a habit rather than a clean when I can't stand how dirty it is anymore.

I realize that I'm not perfect and that I'm never going to be, but this is something I've been having a hard time with lately... since I dropped my classes really.

In other news, I'm looking for a new job. It's finally gotten to the point at work that I just can't do it anymore. I hate the feeling I get when I walk in the door. It's hard being the only one there who has the same principles and morals as me. Trying to keep my standards for myself up is hard when I'm surrounded by such a negative influence all the time. I catch myself cursing a lot more often and I don't treat Dave the way I think he should be treated when I come home from work upset about how my day has gone. So, I'm definitely looking for something new. And I think I might have something lined up. I'm hoping to find out for sure next week.

Anyway, Dave's ready for his test now I think, so my time is up for the night.

See ya!