What I've gotta do...

A Girl's Gotta Do

By Mindy McCready

The first thing I did when you said goodbye
was sit myself down and had a real good cry
The next thing I did was put my red dress on
and go downtown dancing till the break of dawn
chorus:
A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do
and now I´ve gotta get to getting over you
Too bad I´ve gotta do it with someone new
but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do
Fancy meeting you at our stomping-ground
sorry if you caught me painting the town
Guess I should have stayed home with your memory,
Baby,don´t take it personally
chorus:
A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do
and now I´ve gotta get to getting over you
Too bad I´ve gotta do it with someone new
but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do
bridge:
Give me a call sometime real soon,
and remind me to remember to forget about you
oh yeah
chorus:
A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do
and now I´ve gotta get to getting over you
Too bad I´ve gotta do it with someone new
but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do
A girls gotta do it,
Yea a girls gotta do it
too bad I gotta do it with someone new
but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!

Yeah.. That song basically describes what I'm feeling right now. Most of it anyway. I have to move on. And I know it.

The other part of what I'm feeling is actually pretty upset. Someone I care about immensly has been lying to me about something really important for a couple weeks I guess. I don't know.

I'm hurt and upset.

And the only thing left for me to do is move on..

Abandoned?

Ok as silly as this sounds, even to myself.. I'm feeling really really abandoned right now. Which is totally stupid because I'm surrounded by friends. But I feel very alone and bleh ish.

Today I found out that Gran (My adopted grandma) is leaving tomorrow and won't be back until August at the earliest. She's one of the sweetest people I know and I adore her.

Also, one of my very close friends is leaving pretty quickly. I talk to this person a lot. About anything and everything and for a while I probably won't hear much from them.

And I've been thinking about all the friend's I've had that have either moved away from me or I've moved away from them. I was actually driving around in a neighborhood I used to live in today and wondering what became of all the people I used to talk to. My best friend that I got in my very first fist fight over... The best friend who I fought with because she was humming in class. I don't even have a school to relive these memories at. They tore it down. And isn't it just a shame that's where all of our memories were? They built a new alternative school there.

Also, I'm thinking in particular of one friend. Who died in Iraq. And although it's not his fault, I feel very abandoned by him. We never had enough time to make all our memories and I feel him slipping away more and more with every day. It seems like the only days I can remember now are the days that I was really mean to him. Or the days where I stood by and let others be mean to him without sticking up for him although I loved him truly as my friend. He was one of the few people who truly cared about me even though we had only lived there a very short time.

And the friend who committed suicide last year. I felt and I guess on some levels still do feel very very abandoned by him.

I'm starting to lose the good memories. It seems like I can only remember the bad things. How awful I was to them, what I would have done differently had I known they weren't going to be with me forever.

I don't know why all this started up today. I guess because I didn't think Gran would ever go back home. She's been here for almost a year. And now she's just leaving. She gave me the biggest hug ever today and I just wanted to cry. I'm going to miss her so much.

I guess I'm just missing people. I don't know. I've been wanting to cry all night. Seriously, it's like I'm never going to see her again even though I know that she has a plane ticket back in August. I guess I'm just worried that her brother won't be doing better by then and she'll have to change things around again.

I hate this feeling. Because I know I still have people who care about me here. But I can't help but be sad about the ones who I won't see or talk to for a long time. And the ones I haven't seen or talked to in a long time. Especially the ones who I don't have the chance to talk to for a long long time because they've moved on from this life.

Anyway.. moving on.

College scholarship applications for SLCC are due on Thursday. And I just barely started filling them out today. Shame on me. I have to get my ASL teacher to write me a letter of recomendation for it. And I think I'm going to ask my English teacher for one too. Because I know they both like me. And since I'm putting ASL Interpreting as my major on them having my ASL teacher write them a letter would probably be good. I think anyway.

My mom's been getting on my case all week about them and I've been lying through my teeth to her. Or rather, away from her as I can't lie to her face. So I hope that I really do knuckle down and get things done.

Tomorrow I have to sign a song in ASL. I chose D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette. Simple enough song but I keep messing up the sign for maybe. Really stupid because it's a simple sign but I keep signing it wrong. And I'm signing birthday wrong and I know it. I just need to make sure that I remember and sign it right for tomorrow. I'm hoping that I get a good grade on it seeing as how it's already almost a week late. He told me I could do it before school though.

Anyway, I'm thinking it's time for another memory and since I've already been talking about him, why not share one of the good things I remember about him. This is for Lex. It's been just over a year since he died in Iraq. :-(

One time, I was at his house hanging out with his younger brother Obed. (Can you believe his parents had 15 kids and named them alphabetically A through O?!) Anyway, Max and Lex were playing some nintendo game and Lex was super focused on it. He was always that way with his nintendo games though. Hank had come home and was really upset about something. He came storming down the stairs (They had a split level entry way) and the first thing he saw was Max and Lex having a good time playing their video game. (Boy am I ever glad he didn't see me!) So being in the very fowl mood he was in he decided to grab both of their heads and slam them together. Max dropped to the floor and was crying. He had totally forgotten his game. Lex though, stood there, tears streaming down his face and waited until he had finished his level to stop and let the tears flow freely.

I remember this and it reminds me how devoted Lex was. Not only to his video games but to everything in his life. To me, as a friend, to his family, to his religion. To his country. I miss him...

Ok. I'm going to bed now.

Good night all!

And thank you all for being my friends and caring about me even when I'm being stupid and feel abandoned. I love you guys. You're my rocks! I wouldn't survive without you.

Update!

My mom checked my grades today. Not a good thing really. Seeing as how I have an F and two D's. But those should be coming up soon. I shouldn't have let them ever drop so low. But I have. and now unfortunately I'm stuck doing a whole lot of make up work. Great isn't it? I'm so sick of school. Honestly, I'm sick of my teachers, sick of almost all of my classmates, just sick of it in general. I have a major case of senioritis. And that's not a good thing. I haven't done my math homework almost all semester. (I'm missing 10 assignments as of today but I actually did one of them after school and a friend is coming over to help me with them later. Hooray!)

So today at school was actually pretty interesting. Our girl's basketball team made it to state so we got out early. It was basically amazing. And tomorrow is late start day. Which makes everything infinately better. Especially since tomorrow is a B day and I have to have stupid classes. I'm really sick of the stupid academy classes. The only thing keeping me sane through them is Amy. I'd die if she weren't there. In fact, I intend on sluffing the days she misses so that I don't have to be there by myself.

My weekend was basically amazing! Minus friday. And sunday. Saturday and Monday were great though! Saturday was a blast! I went to sweethearts with Ryan. And it was so much fun! We took lots of pictures and I seriously had a blast. Even though we were running late all day and things weren't running smoothly, I had a really good time.

We went downtown for the day activity and we took random pictures everywhere that we're going to put in photo albums for everyone after we label all the pictures and such. I thought it was a good way to remember a date. Probably my favorite picture is one where Ryan and I decided it would be hilarious to hold hands through a garbage can and get someone to take our picture so we did. Hah!

We took a lot of pictures that I really liked though. That was just one of my favorites. Another one of my favorites is the one we took in the elevator at the mall. They rocked. We had fun. Or I did anyway.

Then we went to the olive garden for dinner and our waitress was amazing. She was funny. And she treated us like we were her friends not just some annoying high school students. Even when one of us asked her for her number. That was really funny.

We only made it to the dance to get pictures taken but that was enough for me. Ryan and I ended up dancing on the stage while we were standing in line for the pictures. It was spontaneous and fun.

Then we went to Natalie's house for a movie! That was pretty fun I guess. We had fun with the chocolate fountain for a while and then settled down to watch a movie that I intended to fall asleep during but certain circumstances prevented me from doing so.

Sunday I just had to work and then I talked to some people about some feelings and I ended up locking myself in my bedroom to figure things out. Which was really good for me. Forcing myself to think about things was really really good because generally I don't. I ignore the problems in my life and just let them get to me and stuff. So now I'm feeling much better because of it.

And yesterday I spent the evening with the guy I like. we went to dinner and movie which was really fun. I'm really glad we went.

In other news, I'm getting my tonsils taken out either the 9th or the 13th of march. bleh.

Life..

So, today marks the anniversary of my cousin's death. And it seems silly for me to be upset about it because it happened like 12 years ago and I didn't even know her. She only lived for 4 hours. But, all the same, here I sit in a sad/depressed state of mind.

Not that today wasn't good. I had my fun classes and such. And I actually enjoyed my seminary class a lot today. We were learning about the word of wisdom and we made a commercial to illustrate the point. Well our class chose to make a vonage spoof for the word of wisdom. And I got to play the part of the smoker using tobacco. So I was standing up against the seminary building "smoking" with a cigarette that Nichelle made that looked SO real. And then Jeff took a book of mormon and threw it at my head. And it seriously hurt. I was supposed to fall as part of the commercial. But I actually fell because of how hard it hit my head. hah.. Really funny. But it hurt. It was fun though.

That's really the only eventful thing of today. Then I went to work. And things just went downhill. I don't know what it is lately but every time I go to work I get in this funk and I just can't seem to get out of it. Today it was really stupid though. I was laughing about something and Kendra started making fun of my laugh. Which normally just makes me laugh. But today it offended me. And I was really upset. I wanted to cry.

Then that's when I started thinking about what today was. February 8th. My cousin died after being on this earth for 4 hours. She was born with one lung, and undeveloped lung system, a hole in her diaphram and her heart was upsidedown. She was probably 3 months premature. And now, doctors could probably save her. But then, they couldn't. I didn't know her. So I shouldn't be affected this way by her death should I? It's never hit me like this before but today I started thinking about how fragile life really is. And how fast you can lose it.

And then I started thinking about all the things I'd like to do before I die. So while I was at work I was trying my hardest not to cry. And my eyes only welled up with tears once or twice. I didn't know her. But I miss her in the sense that I wish she were here and that I could have gotten to know her.

Today's her dad's birthday. We talked on the phone for a while. Then I had to go back to work. It was good though. He sounded kind of down. Which doesn't surprise me. His daughter died on his birthday.. would you be the most upbeat person ever that day?

Bleh. I don't want to be a downer. I want to be the happy up beat person I usually am. But I don't think that's going to happy any time soon...

Love to you all.

Steph

Memories

ok so I know this is two posts in one day. But I remembered that I said I would post a memory in one of my blogs to live up to Nathan's challenge. And while it's been over a week, tonight I'm thinking of a memory that I want to share because I think it is immensely funny.

Once upon a time...

No just kidding. But seriously, one time my friend Andie and I were walking home from school. And we were walking down 54th south. Which is the busy road close to us. And we found this sign on the side of the road. and there was no traffic so we decided we would throw it into the middle of the road. And nothing happened.

Well the next day, we're walking down that same stretch of road and that same sign is back on our side of the road. So thinking nothing of it, we picked it up and chucked it back into the middle of the road. And then you hear this huge screeching of tires and such. Really scary to be honest.

So the guy driving gets out of the car and is screaming at Andie and me. Telling us he was going to call the cops and asking for our names and our addresses and our parents names. It was really quite scary. Then when he found out we were 13 he decided to leave us alone.

Really scary at the time but hilarious in hindsight. Moral of the story: Don't throw signs into the same road twice. Only do it once. Then you don't get in trobule. No j/k seriously don't throw signs into the road. It can be very dangerous.

Church today

Ok. So first off I have a question. Because it was posed to me today and I feel that I'm somewhat too close to the people involved in the situation to give an unbiased response. So I want to know what everyone else thinks!

Today, during sacrament meeting, my friend Chauntay pulled me out of the meeting to sign a card for our young women's leader who had been released. And then she said she had a question for me. So this is the situation:

On Wednesday night, our mutual was to tie quilts. I didn't go. But Chauntay did. She'd never tied a quilt before and didn't understand when this kid Alex was trying to teach her how so she was sitting around a quilt talking to people and socializing while they tied. Then a leader came over to her and Carly (who also wasn't tying a quilt) and told them that Since they weren't doing anything they should "sit over there and look pretty" while pointing to the stage.

Maybe it's just Tay, Carly, and me. But that came off as very rude to me. I would think that a leader should never say something like that to a youth. And the way Chauntay took it, it was basically that leader telling her that she wasn't good enough to be in her presence. I'm not sure that's what the leader meant really, but the way it came across was bad enough.

So they went and were sitting on the stage. And no one invited them back. They left the group and normally in our ward when someone leaves they make you come back. You never have the option of being by yourself but no one said anything to them.

So then they started passing out refreshments. Nothing big really just a small ice cream treat but a different leader was handing them out and came over to Chauntay and Carly and told that that she guessed they could have one even though they hadn't done anything.

So here's my question. Would you consider that mean? Chauntay left never wanting to go back to a mutual activity or church again. Do you think she took things too literally and is over reacting? She did come back to church but she says she has no interest in talking to either of those leaders. And I personally don't blame her. But I want to know what other people think.. What would you do?

And now to fast and testimony meeting. My sunday school teacher was the first one up to bear his testimony and as always, issued a challenge to his class to bear their testimony. But this time he issued a bribe to get us to go up. He had made this bribe last week I guess and I knew nothing about it because I haven't been at church since Christmas Eve.. That's awful.

Anyway, I really didn't know anything about this bribe and I had been planning on going up and bearing my testimony regardless because of events that have happened that have reaffirmed my testimony in the church. Almost all of the youth got up to bear their testimony though.

My sunday school teacher was sitting on the bench in front of me and leaned back to whisper to me what the bribe was. but I told him I didn't want to know because I wanted to go up of my own free will and not go up because I wanted whatever it was he was bribing with us.

So I went up and bore my testimony, starting out by letting everyone know that I was up there for me and not for Josh's bribe. And then I bore my very simple testimony. That I know the LDS church is the true church. And that even though it had taken me a long time I finally knew it for myself.

That was it. So I just want all of you to know. That I know it's true. And that's the main point of this post.

What I didn't count on in bearing my testimony to my ward is that I would make my mom cry! As I walked back down to my seat my mom and my young women's leader were crying. That was unintentional.

Anyway it turns out that Josh's bribe was a super bowl party. And I think I'll end up going over there later. Probably before fourth quarter or something. Because Ashley made cupcakes! Yummy!

Anyway. yeah. that's the end.

today...

Woot! All about my day! Are you excited yet?! You shouldn't be..

I guess I really should start with yesterday. I promised Whitney I'd wear my hair curly to school today so last night, I put my hair up in curlers and as promised, I wore my hair curly. It was really kinda cute. I liked it anyway, and my sister told me I looked very pretty before I left for school. So I left in high spirits.

When I got to school and I walked into Ms. White's classroom Angel like.. gasped and told me I looked way pretty. I liked that too. And was smiley and bubbly. Hooray! Maybe I should do things with my hair more often! If that's all it takes to look beautiful!? You betcha! I'm actually thinking of putting my hair BACK into those torturous devices tonight!

Health was pretty laid back today, or it should have been. I got kind of worked up when we started talking about advertising done by tobacco companies. ew. I hate them so much. Stupid Phillip Morris... he really irks me. And I don't even know him!

English was actually pretty entertaining today. We were revising other people's papers and that's something I really like doing. I actually was more looking forward to the revisions done to my paper though. I love having people revise my papers and help me with them. So if any of you want to read my paper and critique it, let me know and I'll be MORE than happy to let you. I love getting advice! Because I know I'm not the best writer and I really want this story to be well done. Because it means a lot to me. And the girls that critiqued today told me they were too nice to revise papers. I was like rawr! I want you to mark up my paper as much as you want! But they didn't. So.. bleh.

Then Charlotte and I went to lunch! Hooray! That was pretty fun. We went to subway. But Tyler called us "damn whores" because we didn't take him with us. Really quite funny actually. I love how his insult had nothing to do with why he was mad at us. He's become obsessed with that word I think.

Then came gym. Which is when I started to get upset. I have that class with jerk face. And we were getting along just fine and he actually complimented me on my hair and told me it looked cute curled and we were just talking when he brought up the subject of all of his ex girlfriends. And believe me, they are numerous. Well then he said the only reason he dated any of them is because they all needed help. Well that kind of offended me, seeing as how I dated him and all. And when I looked at him with a dirty look he looked and me and said "what?! You can't deny that you needed help when I met you!" I was seriously upset. What kind of boy dates girls because they "need help"? My self esteem dropped severely. I always thought a boy dated a girl because he liked her personality or something.. NOT because she needed help. So I was pretty upset.

So in Stats I just read my book. And I got yelled at for it like 8 times. But I just kept reading. Bleh.

Bleh on boys! I so give up on them! What is the point?! Exactly. There isn't one.

Anyway, after school, I went to Ms. White's room to return the pen I borrowed and ended up staying after school for over an hour talking to Tyler, Angel and Sydney. It was good for me. It was good to talk to someone about things that have been going on lately that I've been holding in because I don't want anyone to know. And, they all had good advice.

I love my friends! They rock!

When I got home my mom was pretty upset because I hadn't called to say I was going to be late but she just told me to call next time and everything was ok. Then my brother and sister were showering me with compliments telling me how beautiful I looked today. And my brother asked if I was trying to get someone to notice me. He told me I looked super beautiful today and then said "not that you don't look beautiful every day. Just more beautiful today." And I really loved that kid more than I ever have in my life. Because I was feeling really crappy after the Justin incident. I'm still feeling really crappy about it to be honest. (My eyes are filling up with tears right now.. :-( boo)

And then came work. Which actually wasn't too bad tonight. Sure, Sandra was irritating, but I'm hoping that's just because she's new and that as she gets the hang of everything it'll be easier. She really is a nice girl. But it was so funny! My boss, Maritza found an old Arby's mitt costume and dressed up in it and came into the lobby and started dancing. I laughed so hard! It rocked. I love her! She's my favorite.

And Kendra and I got to talk too. Which was good. Because she's been having some troubles in her life lately and most recently, her mom ODed on Loritab. So it's been a difficult time for her and I really just needed to know that she was ok and knew she could count on me for help.

One part of the night that was funny was when Sandra told me that Kate Winslet and I could be twins if I didn't have brown hair. I laughed so hard. No offense to myself or anything, but Kate Winslet is GORGEOUS. And I.. am not. By any definition of the word gorgeous. There are days when I might think I look pretty. But gorgeous?! NEVER! So it was really sweet of her. a HUGE lie.. but it was nice.

So that was my day. And here I sit. Trying not to cry about what Jerk face said to me. I dated him for 8 months! And all that to him was only because I "needed help" well thank you very much for that JERK FACE! hmph. Forget him.