Abandoned?

Ok as silly as this sounds, even to myself.. I'm feeling really really abandoned right now. Which is totally stupid because I'm surrounded by friends. But I feel very alone and bleh ish.

Today I found out that Gran (My adopted grandma) is leaving tomorrow and won't be back until August at the earliest. She's one of the sweetest people I know and I adore her.

Also, one of my very close friends is leaving pretty quickly. I talk to this person a lot. About anything and everything and for a while I probably won't hear much from them.

And I've been thinking about all the friend's I've had that have either moved away from me or I've moved away from them. I was actually driving around in a neighborhood I used to live in today and wondering what became of all the people I used to talk to. My best friend that I got in my very first fist fight over... The best friend who I fought with because she was humming in class. I don't even have a school to relive these memories at. They tore it down. And isn't it just a shame that's where all of our memories were? They built a new alternative school there.

Also, I'm thinking in particular of one friend. Who died in Iraq. And although it's not his fault, I feel very abandoned by him. We never had enough time to make all our memories and I feel him slipping away more and more with every day. It seems like the only days I can remember now are the days that I was really mean to him. Or the days where I stood by and let others be mean to him without sticking up for him although I loved him truly as my friend. He was one of the few people who truly cared about me even though we had only lived there a very short time.

And the friend who committed suicide last year. I felt and I guess on some levels still do feel very very abandoned by him.

I'm starting to lose the good memories. It seems like I can only remember the bad things. How awful I was to them, what I would have done differently had I known they weren't going to be with me forever.

I don't know why all this started up today. I guess because I didn't think Gran would ever go back home. She's been here for almost a year. And now she's just leaving. She gave me the biggest hug ever today and I just wanted to cry. I'm going to miss her so much.

I guess I'm just missing people. I don't know. I've been wanting to cry all night. Seriously, it's like I'm never going to see her again even though I know that she has a plane ticket back in August. I guess I'm just worried that her brother won't be doing better by then and she'll have to change things around again.

I hate this feeling. Because I know I still have people who care about me here. But I can't help but be sad about the ones who I won't see or talk to for a long time. And the ones I haven't seen or talked to in a long time. Especially the ones who I don't have the chance to talk to for a long long time because they've moved on from this life.

Anyway.. moving on.

College scholarship applications for SLCC are due on Thursday. And I just barely started filling them out today. Shame on me. I have to get my ASL teacher to write me a letter of recomendation for it. And I think I'm going to ask my English teacher for one too. Because I know they both like me. And since I'm putting ASL Interpreting as my major on them having my ASL teacher write them a letter would probably be good. I think anyway.

My mom's been getting on my case all week about them and I've been lying through my teeth to her. Or rather, away from her as I can't lie to her face. So I hope that I really do knuckle down and get things done.

Tomorrow I have to sign a song in ASL. I chose D-I-V-O-R-C-E by Tammy Wynette. Simple enough song but I keep messing up the sign for maybe. Really stupid because it's a simple sign but I keep signing it wrong. And I'm signing birthday wrong and I know it. I just need to make sure that I remember and sign it right for tomorrow. I'm hoping that I get a good grade on it seeing as how it's already almost a week late. He told me I could do it before school though.

Anyway, I'm thinking it's time for another memory and since I've already been talking about him, why not share one of the good things I remember about him. This is for Lex. It's been just over a year since he died in Iraq. :-(

One time, I was at his house hanging out with his younger brother Obed. (Can you believe his parents had 15 kids and named them alphabetically A through O?!) Anyway, Max and Lex were playing some nintendo game and Lex was super focused on it. He was always that way with his nintendo games though. Hank had come home and was really upset about something. He came storming down the stairs (They had a split level entry way) and the first thing he saw was Max and Lex having a good time playing their video game. (Boy am I ever glad he didn't see me!) So being in the very fowl mood he was in he decided to grab both of their heads and slam them together. Max dropped to the floor and was crying. He had totally forgotten his game. Lex though, stood there, tears streaming down his face and waited until he had finished his level to stop and let the tears flow freely.

I remember this and it reminds me how devoted Lex was. Not only to his video games but to everything in his life. To me, as a friend, to his family, to his religion. To his country. I miss him...

Ok. I'm going to bed now.

Good night all!

And thank you all for being my friends and caring about me even when I'm being stupid and feel abandoned. I love you guys. You're my rocks! I wouldn't survive without you.