Prompt for day 23 - Something you miss.
I miss being pregnant... I don't remember being especially grateful for the experience of being pregnant the first time I was... I wish I could go back and change that. Of course there are downsides to being pregnant (no one likes to puke...), but I wish I could go back and make it so that every day I was grateful for that life growing inside of me. I think the second and third pregnancies I was more grateful, but I wonder still if that was even enough then. I want to be pregnant more than just about anything right now. I don't feel like my family is complete... So there it is, I miss being pregnant.
I skipped yesterday on purpose, but right now I think I'll put a blip about it, since I am already kind of leading in to it.
Yesterday's prompt was "Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it". This prompt is deeply personal for me, and I'm not going to share all of my thoughts and feelings about my body, but I will say this.
I wish that doctor's knew why my body is rejecting pregnancies. I wish I knew if it was a defect with the baby, or if it was something wrong with me. I wish I knew if there were something I could do to prevent me from having another one. I know two miscarriages doesn't seem like very many from the outside looking in, and I remember feeling like that. I remember thinking that it isn't that hard to have a miscarriage, but until you've been there, try not to think that. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. And I've had to do it twice...
I'm deeply dissatisfied in that regard to my body. I don't even know that it is my body that is the problem, but there are things that I see in my body that don't reflect the healthiest of lifestyles, and that will always make me wonder. There are things I should be doing that I am not currently doing, and that will always be a curiosity for me as well.
So there you have it. Some thoughts about my body and what I feel about it...
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3 comments:
I love you. You have had to deal with some hard things and while you have had hard days, you have overall dealt with it beautifully. I am thankful to be your friend, especially since I benefit from your example of strength.
If you saw me when I was losing it you wouldn't think I had dealt so beautifully with it. I have a really good game face...
Stephanie, letting yourself "lose it" is an important part of dealing with things. Take this from someone who usually refuses to do that.
The fact that you can both put on a game face and keep moving on and when to allow yourself to let go and grieve shows that you are dealing with things beautifully.
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